May 11
28 Weeks Later
Robert Carlyle, Rose Byrne, Jeremy Renner
Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
The gist: Six months after 28 Days Later, the zombification virus that swept Britain is declared over, but as anyone who's ever seen a horror movie knows, that's clearly not the case.
Studio whore quote: "It's 28 times greater!"
Delta Farce
Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, DJ Qualls
Directed by C.B. Harding
The gist: Three blue-collar good ol' boys are mistaken for army reservists and then are mistakenly deployed in Mexico instead of Iraq. Then things begin to get contrived.
Studio whore quote: "If you don't love this film, then you just might be a redneck. If you do love this film, then yeah, you're definitely a redneck."
Georgia Rule
Lindsay Lohan, Felicity Huffman, Jane Fonda
Directed by Garry Marshall
The gist: Lohan plays an out-of-control teen sent to live with her strict grandma (Fonda) on an Idaho farm. Actual Lohan might benefit from similar treatment.
Studio whore quote: "Georgia rules!"
May 18
Captivity
Elisha Cuthbert, Daniel Gillies, Pruitt Taylor Vince
Directed by Roland Joffe
The gist: A fashion model (Cuthbert) is abducted and tortured.
Studio whore quote: "Audiences will be captivated!"
Shrek the Third
Voices of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz
Directed by Chris Miller
The gist: The continuing adventures of everyone's favorite green ogre in the land of Far, Far Away, sure to be filled to the brim with fairy tale snippets and pop culture references.
Studio whore quote: "Your kids will still want the toys whether you take them to see this or not! Bwa ha ha ha!"
May 25
See this movie
Bug
Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., Michael Shannon
Directed by William Friedkin
Based on the disturbing stage play by Tracy Letts, this psychological thriller divided critics at Cannes last year and has been on the shelf for a while as Lionsgate devised a marketing strategy. That's usually a bad sign, but we have high hopes for Friedkin's return to horror and Judd's continued return to quality acting. Reprising his stage role, Shannon plays an unhinged veteran who holes up in a seedy motel with Judd's waitress, while both proceed to freak out. It'll be a nice bit of darkness amid the gaudy summer sun and fun.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley
Directed by Gore Verbinski
The gist: A bunch of characters from the last two films rescue the one character we care about, Captain Jack Sparrow, from the gullet of the Kraken just in time for an epic sea battle involving more factions than we can keep track of.
Studio whore quote: "Johnny Depp. Eyeliner. Just fork over your hard-earned booty. Yarrr!"
June 1
See this movie
Knocked Up
Seth Rogen, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd
Directed by Judd Apatow
After creating a couple of critically acclaimed but woefully underwatched TV shows, writer/director Apatow finally hit box-office gold with The 40 Year-Old Virgin. This spiritual successor to the Steve Carell vehicle features much of the same cast and finally gives the hilarious, longtime Apatow regular Rogen a well-deserved shot at carrying a film. The story, which has Rogen accidentally impregnating a one-night stand, promises all the same gut-busting hilarity and unexpected poignancy that made Virgin a hit.
Mr. Brooks
Kevin Costner, William Hurt, Demi Moore, Dane Cook
Directed by Bruce A. Evans
The gist: Unassuming family man Earl Brooks (Costner) is secretly a serial killer represented by a nasty alter ego (Hurt).
Studio whore quote: "Hurt gives Costner's best performance in years in this top-notch thriller!"
June 8
Hostel: Part II
Lauren German, Bijou Phillips, Roger Bart
Directed by Eli Roth
The gist: More hot, naïve young Americans travel to Europe to get dismembered in creative ways.
Studio whore quote: "Twice as gory as the first one—and twice as exciting!"
Ocean's 13
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Al Pacino
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
The gist: The suave thieves return to Vegas for their third big-screen outing, reportedly to make up for the lackluster quality of Ocean's 12.
Studio whore quote: "It's 13 times the fun!"
Surf's Up
Voices of Shia LaBeouf, Jon Heder, Zooey Deschanel
Directed by Ash Brannon and Chris Buck
The gist: In this animated mockumentary, it's revealed that penguins were the first to ever plant their happy feet on surfboards, and you'll get a behind-the-scenes look at the annual Penguin World Surfing Championship.
Studio whore quote: "It doesn't matter if they march, dance or surf. Penguins are gold!"
June 15
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans
Directed by Tim Story
The gist: The family of superheroes faces a world-devouring villain and his cosmos-surfing herald.
Studio whore quote: "Even more fantastic than the first one!"
Nancy Drew
Emma Roberts, Rachael Leigh Cook, Max Thieriot
Directed by Andrew Fleming
The gist: The most precocious, eerily grown-up little girl this side of Dakota Fanning investigates the murder of a movie star.
Studio whore quote: "She's like all the Hardy Boys rolled up into one!"
June 22
Evan Almighty
Steve Carell, Lauren Graham, Morgan Freeman
Directed by Tom Shadyac
The gist: With Jim Carrey uninterested in reprising his role as Bruce, Carell's Evan Baxter is the new object of God's attention, told to build an ark for a coming flood.
Studio whore quote: "God himself couldn't have made a better movie!"
A Mighty Heart
Angelina Jolie, Dan Futterman
Directed by Michael Winterbottom
The gist: Jolie puts those pouty lips to good use as Mariane Pearl as she recounts the tale of the abduction of her husband, Wall Street Journal reporter Danny Pearl, kidnapped during his investigation of al Qaeda in Pakistan.
Studio whore quote: "For those of you who've tired of summer popcorn fluff, try something depressing instead."
June 27
Live Free or Die Hard
Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant, Maggie Q
Directed by Len Wiseman
The gist: Willis returns one more time, sans hair and wife-beater, as supercop John McClane to take on an Internet-based terrorist. Dot-com terrorism doesn't stand a chance!
Studio whore quote: "If you refuse to watch Die Hard movies in a post-9/11 world, the terrorists have already won!"
June 29
Ratatouille
Voices of Patton Oswalt, Ian Holm, Lou Romano
Directed by Brad Bird
The gist: Pixar's latest (from The Incredibles director Bird) follows a Parisian rat with an unusual interest in gourmet food.
Studio whore quote: "Pixar has done it again! Ratatouille is a delight from start to finish!"
July 4
License to Wed
Robin Williams, Mandy Moore, John Krasinski
Directed by Ken Kwapis
The gist: A wacky priest (Williams) won't let a young couple marry in his church unless they pass his special series of wacky tests. Wackiness follows.
Studio whore quote: "Williams' funniest movie since RV!"
See this movie
Transformers
Shia LaBoeuf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel
Directed by Michael Bay
The summer movie season is all about spectacle, and you can't get much more spectacular than a semi-truck that transforms into a hulking robot before your very eyes. Whether you're a fanboy who delights in the knowledge that Peter Cullen is reprising his role as Optimus Prime's voice or a casual viewer who couldn't tell an Autobot from a Gobot, you have to admit that that trailer looks awesome. Whatever you think of Bay, the guy knows his way around a special-effects action sequence. The question is, can Bay instill these special effects marvels with qualities that are more than meets the eye?
July 13
1408
John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, Mary McCormack
Directed by Mikael Hafstrom
The gist: Somehow there was a Stephen King story that had yet to be adapted into a movie, and now it comes to the big screen, with Cusack as a professional skeptic spending one night in the world's most haunted hotel room.
Studio whore quote: "Scarier than a night in the Bates Motel! With Kathy Bates!"
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson
Directed by David Yates
The gist: The boy wizard and his pals are back for their fifth outing, facing off against the evil Voldemort.
Studio whore quote: "The best Potter film yet!"
July 20
Hairspray
John Travolta, Nikki Blonsky, Amanda Bynes
Directed by Adam Shankman
The gist: This remake of the 1988 John Waters film, based on the Broadway musical, sees plump teen Tracy Turnblad score a blow for equal rights by desegregating a TV dance show. Oh, and Travolta wears drag.
Studio whore quote: "Musicals are making a comeback, and this one has Travolta in drag!"
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Jessica Biel
Directed by Dennis Dugan
The gist: Sandler and James are two firefighter buddies who enter into a sham gay marriage for insurance benefits. But they're not really gay! And they have to pretend to be gay! The mind boggles.
Studio whore quote: "I'm totally gay for this movie!"
July 27
I Know Who Killed Me
Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough
Directed by Chris Sivertson
The gist: Lohan plays a teen who escapes the clutches of a serial killer only to wake up claiming that she's her own twin. Actual Lohan might benefit from similar treatment.
Studio whore quote: "This movie is killer!"
No Reservations
Catherine Zeta Jones, Aaron Eckhart, Abigail Breslin
Directed by Scott Hicks
The gist: Zeta-Jones plays a chef who winds up being the guardian of her niece, played by Breslin. Breslin won't eat Zeta-Jones' cooking, but she will eat the food prepared by another handsome chef (Eckhart). Sounds like a recipe for loooove.
Studio whore quote: "She's a hot dish; he's a tall drink of water! Who's hungry?"
See this movie
The Simpsons Movie
Voices of Dan Castellaneta, Nancy Cartwright, Julie Kavner, Yeardley Smith
Directed by David Silverman
The Simpsons has been around for nearly 20 years now. Its iconic characters and overly familiar catchphrases have made the show a bona fide pop culture phenomenon. So why should we fork over theater prices for something we've been able to watch for free every Sunday for 18 seasons? The show's creators have been stingy with plot details, but the Internet domain name simpsonsmovie.com was registered by Fox over 10 years ago. That could mean that creator Matt Groening and Co. have taken great care and time selecting a story that justifies a silver screen outing. On the other hand, it could just mean that Homer's waistline has finally gotten too big for the TV screen.
August 3
The Bourne Ultimatum
Matt Damon, Joan Allen, Julia Stiles
Directed by Paul Greengrass
The gist: Super-cool secret agent Jason Bourne (Damon) is once again on the run from a nefarious government conspiracy.
Studio whore quote: "You'll feel Bourne again!"
Hot Rod
Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, Sissy Spacek
Directed by Akiva Schaffer
The gist: SNL cast members star in this story of a stuntman who must jump 15 buses with his motorcycle in order to pay for his abusive stepdad's heart surgery. Huh. If his stepfather's abusive, we hope those buses are lined up back-to-front rather than side-to-side.
Studio whore quote: "I don't understand this film's premise either, but I'll still buy a ticket!"
Resurrecting the Champ
Samuel L. Jackson, Josh Hartnett, Kathryn Morris
Directed by Rod Lurie
The gist: A sports reporter (Hartnett) rescues a homeless man (Jackson) who turns out to be a boxing legend believed to be dead. The title says the rest.
Studio whore quote: "Don't you dare miss the mutha-f--kin' resurrection or the mutha-f--kin' champ!"
Underdog
Jason Lee (voice), Jim Belushi, Peter Dinklage
Directed by Frederik Du Chau
The gist: A whole generation has their pleasant memories of the kitschy Underdog cartoon series destroyed by this live-action version of the canine superhero starring an actual dog (voiced by Lee).
Studio whore quote: "It's a doggone good time!"
August 8
Daddy Day Camp
Cuba Gooding Jr., Paul Rae, Lochlyn Munro
Directed by Fred Savage
The gist: This follow-up to Daddy Day Care has day care replaced by day camp and Eddie Murphy replaced by Cuba Gooding Jr.—further evidence that Cuba sold his soul to the devil for that Oscar.
Studio whore quote: "If you have any doubt about Cuba's comedy chops, I suggest you go rent Radio!"
August 10
Becoming Jane
Anne Hathaway, James McAvoy, Julie Walters
Directed by Julian Jarrold
The gist: This loosely adapted biopic casts author Jane Austen (Hathaway) as just the sort of romantic heroine she wrote about.
Studio whore quote: "Don't let your pride prejudice you against seeing this wonderful film!"
Bratz: The Movie
Nathalia Ramos, Janel Parrish, Logan Browning
Directed by Sean McNamara
The gist: Based on the dolls of the same name, this movie features four teenage girls who battle the evil forces of peer pressure with their abilities to accessorize, and other superficial superpowers.
Studio whore quote: "Come on! You're going to see Transformers, and that movie's based on toys! See Bratz, too, and we'll be BFF!"
Rush Hour 3
Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Vinnie Jones
Directed by Brett Ratner
The gist: The Rush Hour cops go to France. Tucker will likely assail the French with motor-mouthed insults, and then Chan will kick their asses. U.S. audiences will eat it up like freedom fries.
Studio whore quote: "You can't miss this movie! Do you understand the words that are comin' outta my mouth?"
See this movie
Stardust
Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Sienna Miller
Directed by Matthew Vaughn
This is yet another film adapted from a comic book, but you won't find any superheroes in spandex. Instead, Stardust will immerse you in a fantasy world courtesy of creators Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess (and Layer Cake director Vaughn), with a hero's quest, a mystical maiden and an evil witch, and a mix of the fantastic and the silly that looks like it could be the second coming of The Princess Bride. Fantasy films and comic-book movies are equally common these days, but Stardust could very well transcend both genres.
August 17
Fanboys
Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler
Directed by Kyle Newman
The gist: Four geeks embark on a cross-country road trip to Skywalker Ranch, hoping to get a pre-release peak at Star Wars: Episode I. Is there any way this won't end in tragedy?
Studio whore quote: "Not even Jar Jar could ruin this movie!"
The Invasion
Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Jeremy Northam
Directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel
The gist: A modern update of Invasion of the Body Snatchers set in Washington, D.C.
Studio whore quote: "If you're going to leave your pod for one alien-invasion thriller this year, this is it!"
Superbad
Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Michael Cera
Directed by Greg Mottola
The gist: Two codependent high-school seniors set out to score booze for a party and must overcome separation anxiety. Look out, Harold and Kumar!
Studio whore quote: "Don't believe the title!"
August 24
The Comebacks
Carl Weathers, David Koechner, Matt Lawrence
Directed by Tom Brady
The gist:
Inspirational sports movies get their very own parody.
Studio whore quote: "You'll want to come back for more!"
Good Luck Chuck
Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler
Directed by Mark Helfrich
The gist:
After breaking the rules of spin-the-bottle by refusing to lock lips with a goth chick, Charlie (Cook) finds himself cursed. Whoever sleeps with him finds love with the next person she meets. Soon hot women are lining up to use him as a good luck charm. And this is a problem because ...?
Studio whore quote: "See this movie. Even if you don't like it, you'll fall in love with the next movie you see."
August 31
Death Sentence
Kevin Bacon, Garret Hedlund, Kelly Preston
Directed by James Wan
The gist:
After his family is attacked by a gang, Bacon goes vigilante, endeavoring to hunt down and kill everyone who participated in the crime. It's like Death Wish meets Death Wish!
Studio whore quote: "Kevin Bacon is just one degree from Charles Bronson!"
See this movie
Halloween
Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane
Directed by Rob Zombie
Yes, remakes are generally must-avoids, and horror remakes are even worse, but we are strangely excited about this re-envisioning of John Carpenter's slasher classic from the director of House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. If there's one thing Zombie knows it's his horror history, and we expect nothing but reverence and responsibility from this film. We trust Zombie to give us some creative homicides as well.
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe
Directed by Steve Bendelack
The gist: On a trip to Cannes, Mr. Bean unwittingly (does he ever do things wittingly?) separates a son from his father and is accused of kidnapping. How will the tongue-tied Mr. Bean explain this one?
Studio whore quote: "Guaranteed to be at least the second-best Mr. Bean movie!"