"CONGRATULATIONS, MR. PUTZ, on your new, big-screen, high-def TV. Amex or Visa?"
"You also need picture ID and an IOU for my firstborn child?"
"Such a kidder."
"A nearly $1,500 TV that with bells and whistles and warranties and sales tax ratchets up to almost $1,800? Maybe you at least wanna put a lien on my pets."
"No, but I'd strongly suggest you also buy this HDMI-for-HDTV cable right over here for only an additional $99.95, which will make your high-definition even higher-definition!"
"You mean high-def isn't highest-def, but only middle-high-def that needs a hundred-buck higher-def cable to make it highest-of-the-highest def?"
"Until they upgrade the technology."
"Which could be a week from Tuesday."
"Mr. Putz, believe me, the visual and audio quality with this cable will astound you."
"Fine. If I'm emptying my checkbook for this, might as well do it right."
"Excellent. Now we also work with the cable company so we can arrange your separate TV delivery and high-def cable-box installation from here. And tell the cable guy that he must use this HDMI cable. We've had trouble with their guys refusing to use it. If that happens, give me his name and I'll have his job!"
"Where's the TV go, Mr. Putz?"
"Against the window."
"Our cable won't reach from there to the wires coming out of the wall."
"It's only 8 feet. Don't you carry that much in your truck when you do installations?"
"Right now we don't. You have any? Most people do."
"Yeah, but they're all short."
"We could join them with connectors we have in the truck that we could sell you. Amex or Visa?"
"The salesman said you can handle everything, including connecting the TV to my stereo speakers."
"We don't carry the right wire for stereo components. But the store's got a terrific deal where they'll hook all that up for only $149.95."
"Mr. Putz?"
"I most certainly am."
"I'm here to link your stereo to your big-screen TV."
"Ah, Mr. $149.95."
"Amex or—
"Visa. Way ahead of ya, chief."
"Are you Putz?"
"More than ever."
"I'm here to replace your digital box with an HD box."
"Here's the HDMI cable the salesman said you should use."
"Don't need it."
"WHAT!? He said you HAD to use it. I paid $99.95 for that!"
"Look at the back of the HD box. No input or output for it. Couldn't use it if I wanted to. They're always selling you shit you don't need."
"Mr. Putz calling. You sold me this $99.95 cable and the installer wouldn't use it. Said it couldn't even connect to the HD box."
"I'll check into it and get back to you."
"Mr. Putz, the cable supervisor said customers must specifically request the HD box that takes HDMI. Let's make another appointment to get you the right box."
"If you work together, why wouldn't they tell you a customer has to say some magic words to get the right equipment?"
"Tells you something about them, huh?"
"Mr. Putz?"
"Ain't it the truth. There's the wrong cable box, so you can just swap it out for the right one."
"Okay ... Hmmmm ... Did you order a DVR with your HD?"
"No."
"You've been misinformed. The only HD box that takes HDMI comes when you order a DVR with your HD."
"But the store told me I'd get the HD box that takes HDMI and never said I'd have to pay extra for a DVR, which I don't want because it's mostly to stop and start TV shows and I mostly use the DVD/VCR on the TV, which is so much clearer on HD, and I'm told would be even sharper on HD with HDMI, which they say is possible—and you say is impossible?"
"What does that tell you about them?"
"Mr. Putz, I'm calling from the cable company to say how sorry we are you're caught in the middle here, but I assure you there's absolutely no HD box that takes HDMI. You might wanna get your money back."
"I want my money back."
"I understand, Mr. Putz, but I know for a fact the HD-with-HDMI box exists. I'm gonna call the cable supervisor, have her deliver one to me from the warehouse, bring it to your house and install it myself."
"I don't know what happened, Mr. Putz. The cable supervisor called and said I didn't need a new box, the one you had would be compatible with this new HDMI-to-DVI cable I've brought to swap out with the mere HDMI we first sold you, but there's still no input/output for it."
"Uh-huh."
"I'll have to return with my store supervisor when he's back in a couple of days."
"Uh-huh."
"Mr. Putz?"
"Bet your ass I am."
"I'm calling from the cable company. My supervisor referred your case to me. That HD box you have without a DVR will only work with your TV, DVD/VCR through an HDMI-DVI cable with a converter box. I'll call the store and make an appointment when both they and we can be there to talk to each other, instead of through you."
"Uh-huh."
"Now that you're both here, do we have the right equipment?"
"Yes, Mr. Putz."
"Yessir. Now let's get this puppy running right ... Plug this in here ... This over here ... And ..."
"Whoa! It works! It finally works!"
"We've even got matching audio cable."
"Will that undo the stereo hookup I paid another $149.95 for?"
"Nope."
"You hear anything? I don't hear anything. Where's the sound out of the DVD/VCR?"
"I don't know, Mr. Putz. For some reason, it works off the TV with the HDMI-to-DVI on the HD, but not the DVD/VCR. I'll need to come back with my supervisor. Will you be here?"
"Yeah. Reading a book."