There are two types of football fans: casual and obsessive.
If you're a casual fan, you probably know some people you consider obsessive. They know every player on every team, even the benchwarmers. They know the score of every game ever played. They have keychains and wallets and bumper stickers and undergarments with the logos of their favorite teams.
I'm one of them. You probably think because we consider football a religion, that we know more than the casual fan. After all, we talk a great game.
"Hey, Steve, did you see where Peyton Manning audibled on third-and-7 to play-action when he recognized Baltimore shifted to seven in the box for an obvious zone-dog weakside corner blitz, and then he hit Marvin Harrison on a deep out after the slot receiver cleared out the safety?" Sounds impressive, doesn't it? But all we really know is that Manning threw a pass to Harrison, which he does about every other play anyway.
Here's a news flash: We don't know anything. Trust me. It took only one week of the NFL season for me to realize I'm the football fan's equivalent of Sergeant Schultz.
I thought surely the Rams would beat the lowly 49ers, who were an NFL-worst 2-14 a season ago. San Francisco won by a field goal. And I figured the Broncos would take care of the dismal Dolphins, coming off a 4-12 season and breaking in a new coach and new quarterback. Final score? Miami 34, Denver 10. In fact, eight of last year's 12 playoff teams lost their opening game. I know NOTHING, Colonel Klink!
Denver was the only unbeaten preseason team, proving how little the exhibition games really mean. Two teams went winless in the preseason, Indianapolis (0-5) and Kansas City (0-4). Both rolled in their opening games, nearly shutting out their opponents.
The Chiefs' win was also bizarre, and not because of anything Kansas City did. Their opponents, the Jets, went into the game concerned about the offseason shoulder surgery of quarterback Chad Pennington.
Put those fears to rest. Throwing the ball, it turns out, wasn't his problem. Hanging onto the ball, however, was another issue. Pennington fumbled six times—one short of the league record—as the Chiefs rolled 27-7.
I'll try again with the Vikings-Bengals over 47 total points, the Titans plus 3 12 against the Ravens and the Bills plus 2 12 against the Buccaneers.
Celebrity checkup: Lance Burton jumped out of the gate quickly with the only 3-0 mark among our nine contestants. Clint Holmes is second with a 2-1 record.
"After last week, I'm going to have to go out and start looking for a new day job."
Lance Burton (3-0)
Jets -6 over Dolphins
Falcons +1 over Seahawks
Patriots -3 over Panthers
Clint Holmes (2-1)
Steelers -6 over Texans
Chargers +3 over Broncos
Cowboys -5 1/2 over Redskins
Danny Gans (1-2)
Steelers -6 over Texans
Patriots -3 over Panthers
Falcons +1 over Seahawks
Kevin Janison (1-2)
Ravens-Titans under 36
Seahawks -1 over Falcons
Dolphins +6 over Jets
Mark & Mercedes (1-2)
Colts -8 1/2 over Jaguars
Chargers +3 over Broncos
Rams +1 over Cardinals
Wayne Newton (1-2)
Jaguars +8 1/2 over Colts
Chiefs-Raiders under 53
Giants -3 over Saints
Penn & Teller (1-2)
Steelers -6 over Texans
Eagles -12 over 49ers
Colts -8 1/2 over Jaguars
Rita Rudner (1-2)
Patriots-Panthers under 43
Browns-Packers under 40 1/2
Dolphins +6 over Jets
Oscar Goodman (0-3)
Steelers -6 over Texans
Colts -8 1/2 over Jaguars
Patriots -3 over Panthers
Sal DeFilippo was the backup quarterback for Roger Staubach.